Natural Feedback For Kids Will Help Them Cope As Adults

I spent two days this week caddying in the Massachusetts Amateur championship for my friend Matt. It was an enjoyable two days at one of the most famous courses in American golf, The Country Club, surrounded by the best amateur players in the state. Matt played in the same threesome with two other competitors for both rounds, one on Monday and one on Tuesday.

Matt and I are college friends, so we’re both in our 30’s (although he likes to remind me I graduated a couple years ahead of him…). The two kids (yes, kids) Matt was playing with are college golfers. Matt and I also played college golf (Matt played much better college golf than I did… he doesn’t remind me of this, but the fact that I was carrying his golf clubs was enough of a reminder…).

Over the course of two rounds, the teacher in me couldn’t help but observe these two 20-year-olds as they navigated the golf course. The two of them were incredibly impressive, both when they were playing great and when things went pear-shaped. it’s so easy to blame outside forces for a bad shot or an unlucky bounce.

36 holes of tournament golf is challenging. It becomes more challenging when the course is hard and the stakes are high. Over the course of two rounds most players in this tournament hit about 155 shots. That leaves plenty of room for great, good, bad, and horrible shots. It leaves room for lucky bounces and unlucky bounces. It leaves room for high emotions and low emotions. It leaves room for our minds to have laser-focus and to wander.

One of the kids played the third hole, a par 4, in 14 shots total over two days. He made a score of seven, twice. He got stuck in some incredibly gnarly, high rough the first round and physically couldn’t hit the ball out of it. The second time playing the hole he hit his tee shot in the same long grass and we couldn’t even find the ball. He had to run back to the tee box and start the hole over with a two-shot penalty. Just devastating. He didn’t flinch. He didn’t moan. He just played, and he finished the round incredibly strong. I think he might have played the final 12 holes in 2-under par, which is quite impressive.

This experience got me thinking about the different types of feedback and learning experiences kids have as they grow up. There’s the social feedback, which is often out of our control when we are growing up. There’s the academic feedback, which feels objective when it’s bad (Mr. so-and-so HATES me, that’s why he gave be a B-) but in our control when it’s good (I worked so hard on that project and I earned that A…).

Those two types of feedback exist for every single child. How that feedback effects each child, the weight of the feedback, is different depending on each kid. For some, the social aspect matters more. For others, academic feedback is the end-all be-all.

I believe there’s a third type of feedback that exists. It’s the feedback that children seek out themselves. The feedback that exists through sports or musical instruments or youth group or other extracurricular activities/hobbies. If a child (or even an adult) puts too much value in academic (professional) or social feedback, it will create an imbalance that can leave out the third form of feedback. Likewise, if a person overvalues their extracurriculars, the other two items can suffer.

During our childhood, most of our our parents sign us up for stuff. They put us in positions to try things or offer us the freedom to choose for ourselves. We like some things. We hate others. We quit some activities. We stick with some of them. I realized this week during the MassAm how grateful I was that my mom signed me and my dad up for golf lessons when I was 7. This one small Christmas gift that I couldn’t hold in my hand while we were sitting around the Christmas tree has been the gift that has kept on giving. It allowed me the opportunity to pursue something I really liked. I cannot remember one day where I was forced to go to lessons. I asked for rides to the driving range. I asked for rides to the golf course. I asked to be picked up at sundown.

I loved the feedback. I loved the chase. I loved the challenge. I loved the hours spent with my dad, they are some of my fondest memories I have of him.

Sports and instruments are unbiased in their feedback. Coaches are not. Judges are not. But the sport itself lets you know where you stand rather quickly and fiercely. The natural feedback, sometimes fair and sometimes unfair, is more powerful than any other feedback. It forces you to take a breath, evaluate, calm down, and move on. Getting mad, blaming others, or wallowing in the past will get you nowhere (or, worse, it will send you spiraling downwards).

The two college kids I watched play on Monday and Tuesday won’t be professional golfers, they’ll have to find jobs just like nearly every other kid that plays golf growing up. But the experience that golf gave them, the ability to accept results and move on, will serve them well.

All kids should have the same experience, no matter what activity they choose. They should find something they love to do, pursue it, and receive as much feedback (both positive and negative) to help them learn and grow as they mature into adults.