My Strange August Restlessness

The past few weeks have been a little bit strange, admittedly August is always a little bit strange. I’ve been on the school carousel for 31 years, either as a student or teacher. The specter of school starting was always there waiting in September. With the anxiety/sadness that comes with the end of summer, there was always something new waiting. There was something there, for better and worse. There was the excitement of seeing friends and colleagues. There was the sense of a fresh start, the glossiness of September.

On the other hand, there’s the sadness of losing all that wonderful free time at the end of summer. The extra thirty minutes laying in bed with nothing pressing on the day’s schedule. The promise of a trip somewhere far away or just down the road. The temptation to just sit and read without feeling like it was “for school.” The rush of deleting your school email from your phone or just simply setting an “out of office” reply.

Typically, those were the emotions I’d feel leading up to this very, exact morning. You see, as I am writing this, my former colleagues are gathering for opening faculty meetings.

Over the course of my life, I have always been a pretty solid sleeper. At some points, I’d be worried that I slept too well before or after a really tough day professionally or personally (is there something wrong with me?). During the last 2-3 weeks, this has not been the case. I have found myself laying in bed in the middle of the night wide awake, wondering if I should just get up and read or watch TV. Even at the end of the day, getting my brain to settle down has been more of a struggle than I can remember. It’s weird because it’s summer.

But as I thought about it, I started to realize where some of the restlessness was coming from: the void of an upcoming day was daunting. In the past, I’d go to bed in August knowing that I was running out of days to fill, so I’d be anxious to fill them. Predictably, a few school dreams (nightmares?) would weasel their way into my subconscious. No matter what, I’d also have the September finish line (or starting line, however you want to look at it) ahead of me. Nine months of structured, busy, fulfilling, challenging, fun days from September to June.

As of today, I have no finish line or starting line. I have nothing dragging me out of bed in the morning other than my own motivation to fill my day so I can go to bed knowing I didn’t waste it.

At the end of the day, I have to go to bed feeling assured that I can fill the day ahead of me. The last few weeks, this has been my fear, “how am I going thoughtfully and creatively fill my day.” It’s a mental dynamic I have never experienced before.

I know, I know. This is an insane thing to worry about when so many people have bigger things keeping them up at night, but it’s where I am right now.

This particular day as I write this is one that I knew would feel strange (along with the first day of school next week). I was right; it does feel strange. I didn’t expect that the weeks leading up to the start of school would feel as restless as they have.

All of a sudden, I’m in the position of the students I had over the years. I preached about trusting the process about patience about believing in themselves about taking lumps in stride and about reflecting.

As I left school last June, a sagely colleague said to me, “So you’re going to wake up and write everyday.” It’s a statement that has stuck with me and echoes in my mind frequently.

That’s been my goal all summer: Wake up and write.

I’m going to make that my September Gloss. Wake up and write.

No new clothes. No trapper keepers.

And hopefully some better nights of sleep.